In my almost 40 years of existence I’ve met people from all walks of life, both personally and professionally, and a high percentage of those people are women who have either had affairs and cheated on their husbands or women who have had an affair with a married man.
I try not to judge. I don’t think life is black and white. People do things they regret, things they feel embarrassed and ashamed about all the time…. people steal, cheat and lie…. and people who do so won’t be the first and they most certainly won’t be the last. In fact, current research shows that around 20% of men will have an affair whilst married, and that’s just the ones we know about, the actual figure is likely to be much higher.
Right now though I want to talk about those women who have an affair with a married man, as quite often these women usually get judged the worst, despite there being two people involved (I know there’s 3 including the wife)….. and I’m not entirely sure that’s fair at all.
What I know from the ‘other women’ that I’ve met is that they usually haven’t been happy, either at home or in themselves for a very long time, often well before they embarked on an affair. Is that an excuse? No it’s not, not at all…. but it does offer some form of an explanation.
Let’s look at it a little more closely
From the women who have sat opposite me, their lives in ruins when the affair has ended, I can’t help but feel for them. That doesn’t mean I think that what they have done is ok, it just means that I can see the bigger picture, that I can feel the remorse they are feeling, which they usually are.
Besides, regardless of what I may or may not think about what they have done, I bet that most women would have already told themselves most of what anyone else could ever say to them…. ‘I’m a fucking cow,’ ‘I’m a home wrecker,’ etc. are not unusual things to hear from the other woman’s own mouth. They’ve usually already said to themselves everything that anyone ever could say to them before anyone else even gets a look in.
What doesn’t surprise me is that most research shows that women who have affairs, as well as having low self-esteem, have often been abused in childhood, the man is usually older and resembles a father figure, and he usually has money and power. For some people, this can be a very seductive combination and one that certain people can find difficult to resist.
Again, I’m not saying this makes it right. We of course, and rightly so, feel for the mans wife and children, if he has them, as does the woman who sleeps with him (yes, really!). His wife will often be unaware and if she ever does find out will be heartbroken. Is this the man’s fault, the other woman’s fault or the fault of them both? There’s often a lot of debate around this. Personally I think the majority of the blame should fall with the man and a small portion with the other woman. Of course, peoples views will differ.
Why am I writing about this? Well I guess I’m fed up of seeing women hurt in this way, yes the other woman has made decisions that have led to the affair happening, but I feel the other woman is often treated the worst, looked down upon the most while the man gets off with it scott free, having hurt two women.
I guess I’m writing this mostly as a warning
So, if you’re a woman and you’re thinking of having an affair with a married man then please please PLEASE think through the following questions/statements and answer them honestly (to be clear my aim isn’t to tell you what to do, but to rather ensure that you have given this some serious thought, and possibly save you a lot of heartache!);
- What does this man want from you?
- What do you want from him?
- Where does he see this going?
- Where do you see this going?
- How will he look after you, emotionally? (Because you will feel hurt and rejected at some point)
- Is he happy in his marriage?
- Is he aware of how you feel about him? Especially if you love him?
- Are you the only ‘other one’?
- How will he handle any issues that arise?
- Is he just lonely?
- Are you just lonely?
- Is he just looking for fun? (Is this worth your feelings)
- Can you live with the consequences?
- Can you handle NEVER being number one?
- Is there a future?
- If there is no future then what is the point?
- How well do you really know each other?
- Do you want to have sex with someone who is having sex with someone else?
- How do you feel being a secret?
You may wonder why I’m trying to put you off. Well, from my experience, these things usually end bad and I’d genuinely like to try and save someone some heartache. Even if you think you’ve thought through all of the above the chances are that he’ll never really look after you properly, he can’t, as he can’t be around for you as you’ll need him to be, it’s virtually impossible as he’s committed to someone else, and regardless of what promises he makes to you, you’ll never be his number one!
Although my aim may appear to deter you from ever going there, my guess is that if you’re reading this blog then you’ve probably already 80% made up your mind that you will have an affair, and if you have then please do ensure that you have at least one or two close friends around you who you can speak to, who will listen to you and not judge you, who will tell you it straight, who will tell you not to go there but who will also still be there to pick you up when you fall…. because believe me, chances are you will fall…. hard!
And if I haven’t managed to put you off yet then here are a few things to remember;
- He’ll almost certainly never leave his wife.
- He’s almost certainly still sleeping with his wife even if he says he’s not. I know this as I’ve also met a lot of men who’ve had affairs!
- The other woman (that’s you!) always comes off worse, especially in terms of being judged by others. This could ruin your reputation, big time!
- You will always be a secret.
- You can never be proud of this relationship.
- You can never talk openly about this relationship with everyone you meet.
- You can’t do normal couple things out in public unless you go away together, but these times can be few and far between.
- Don’t put him first as he’ll never put you first.
- You’ll feel guilty even if you think you won’t.
- You’ll hurt his wife beyond measure if she ever finds out, causing her heart to break. And whilst I believe his marriage is his business, you still have a part to play in that.
- Most important – he’ll break YOUR heart too.
So please don’t go there. Please find someone who can, will and wants to meet your needs, who wants YOU to be their number one and who will love you and look out for you in the way that you deserve.
No one deserves to be second best and no one deserves to be cheated on, save yourself the heartache and don’t let him be a part of your life in that way ❤️